THE COUNTDOWN IS ON...

If You Want to Lose Weight, You've Gotta Try This...

Jacob — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 22:55:43 GMT

My apologies right out of the gate for not posting at all in a LONG time.

I'm back in Wisconsin for the summer. It has been full of scorching summer days and hot beekeeping action. I've had very little internet access at all... which is both a blessing and a curse sometimes.

I've kept most of the weight off in large part due to my newest weight loss technique: lyme disease.

Now if you can stomach the almost constant sluggish feeling and the never-ending supply of horse pills to combat the dizziness and nausea then you can look forward to a 20 lb. dropoff in weight in only 3 days.

That's what happened to me about 2 months ago and I'm still battling every day since.

I actually flew into Boston to see a doctor about this and that's why I have such glorious internet access.

In any event, I'll be out of Wisconsin towards the end of the month. I'm hoping this doesn't carry on for another 2 years like I heard about in some cases. As soon as I get back on the East Coast I'm going to give the biking a shot and see if my body can take it.

Until then...

Best wishes.

I Like to Ride My Bicycle...

Jacob — Tue, 15 May 2007 10:37:40 GMT

Well well well.

I'm still alive so I guess that means it's time to endanger my health for the betterment of mankind once again...

In the quick update department:

I'm still flirting with 350... which I decided was healthy to take a few weeks off and stablize since I lost 90 pounds for 90 days straight. And since I've watched a few episodes of SCRUBS on television during a few nights of insomnia, I feel I'm overly qualified to make a clinical decision of that magnitude.

I'm heading back to Wisconsin tomorrow for the summer. It's going to be a big summer full of wild beekeeping antics and hopefully some fat beekeeping profits.

My plan is to totally revamp this website into a format that looks like it wasn't created by 2nd grader. I'm also going to attempt to update the blog more often as an outlet for the voices in my head...

Do you like videos??

We've got videos!

Come on down. Come on down.

Yes I'm going to try to include some videos into the mix as well.

And the moment that nobody has been waiting for; my next event...

I'm going to bicycle 140 miles straight in September.

What's that you say? Not sexy and / or dangerous enough for you?

I've got you covered...

I forgot to mention it's going to be a TANDEM bike ride.

Now we're talking.

It's going to be a 140-mile TANDEM bike ride in September.

I'm still searching for a reinforced bike but I can only assume that it's going to end up looking something like this...

So there you have it... whatever IT is.

I'll be back in a week or so to fill you in on more details.

Until then, live.

Help Me Figure Out What's Next...

Jacob — Tue, 24 Apr 2007 10:26:59 GMT

Believe it or not I don’t think that my body was designed to run marathons...

I think somebody put it best that I was moving at a glacial pace. To be honest, I clearly could have walked a faster marathon but it was the principle of the thing and I wanted to run/jog as much as humanly possible.

Its been a week since the race and I am still paying the price.

At first I just had total muscular pain, like I had been hit by a truck and the driver backed over me to make sure that the job was done. This pain has gotten better by the day, revealing some underlying joint issues. I appreciate that plenty of people told me that this was going to happen and that I should be careful. So, I won’t complain about it to you. I've hopped back on the bike for a few hours here and there.

I needed the 3 month window, and I needed to do the marathon. However, now I need to find something new to train for. I do not think it would be a very good idea to train and run another marathon, at least not yet.

The prospect of being in a wheelchair at 30 over something so preventable is not so appealing right now. I may change my stance on that but for right now -- no wheelchairs (I know, I know. I'm getting soft).

But there is really something to this 3-4 month window of training. Its just short enough that I won’t get bored or burned out. It's great to set a huge goal, get out of your comfort zone and "x" off the days on your calendar. The timeline is short enough that it is tangible and very much within reach.

So, I’m looking for my next event and I need you're help...

I'm looking for something that isn’t running-related and occurs sometime between mid-August and mid-September.

        ** Maybe a 100-200 mile endurance biking event,

        ** 3-5 mile swim (maybe 1.5 from alcatraz),

        ** Or something completely offbeat (like training to become a cage fighter or swimming with giant sea turtles).

Now while I'm clearly THE authority on elite endurance events (joke), I'm not sure what's next. I just know I need something to keep me going. There's an AMAZING difference when you have a goal to shoot for on a certain date versus just training for yourself.

I’m not saying I’ll never run a marathon again. After all, I need to give some people material to b*tch about around the watercooler. That said, I never saw the quote unquote "runner's high" so much as the "runner's croquet needles being jabbed into every major muscle group and tendon high".

I just need something different for the next 3-4 months.

I will be at home in the great north woods of Wisconsin. Where the men are men and so are the women (joke).

I throw myself at the mercy of the court for suggestions. Do your best/worst and fire away...

P.S. location doesn't matter as long as it isn't in Indo-China or something like that. I'll definately be going the charity route again.

Do You Like Apples?...

Jacob — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 14:55:49 GMT

    How do you like them apples????



In what can only be described at the most horrific experience of my life. I, Jacob Seilheimer, completed the Boston Marathon...

DEAD LAST.

And I'm damn proud of it.

Here are a few pictures from yesterday...

I got down to Boston around 1:30 in the morning due to circumstances beyond my control. I got to bed at 2:30 and woke up at 5:30.

I had an elaborate plan to rest up all night. But as they say, the best laid plans of mice and men...

So it ended up being a mad scramble to make it to Hopkinton when I was supposed to. This is me on the bus being transported to the start of race...



It was an absolute mob scene when I got to the starting line. There were 20,000 runners there and that didn't even include all the volunteers and spectators. We were engulfed inside a monsoon-type weather system (so much so that 2,500 runners didn't even show up to pick up their numbers to race).

It was pretty awe-inspiring.

The race organizers set up fencing on both sides of the street to direct the runners. I kept to the side as they let a few groupings of several thousands of runners pass. I'm going on the record as saying that I've never been visually-assaulted as much I was during the time period.

And it was not all in my head.

I got a few dozens NASTY looks from other runners. Some snickers. Some laughs. blah. blah. blah.

It's been awhile since I've felt that uncomfortable.

However, there were quite a few runners that won't out of there way to tell me congrats on making this far and good luck...

So after all the registered runners took off, I made my way across the starting line. The crowds on both sides were cheering like crazy. It was an amazing moment.

I set off on a blistering pace. Better than I expected. I was cooking at roughly 12-minute miles for the first 10 miles.

They had water stations manned by some incredible volunteers at every mile along the race. I timed it just perfectly that as I approached the water stations for the first 10 miles, they were in the process of breaking all the tables down.

I know it was just poor timing on my part but it felt like a cruel joke.

And not to worry for all those people who b*tched about me "stealing funds" from the race -- my friends got me drinks from the store along the way and I treated my own medical conditions. Go whine elsewhere.

Like candy just out of the reach of a baby...








I very sparringly ran during the past 3 months in an effort to save my joints from the pounding on the pavement. And in the end, it was my downfall.

I started to hit a wall around mile 11. It was actually closer to a mountain. Cardio wasn't an issue at all. It was joints, all the time.

So my pace of 5 minutes running - 1 minute walking soon gave way to more of a 50/50 ratio.

This is me taking a much needed phone break during my minute off... just before I fell off a cliff. At this point, I was half-joking and half-kidding about wanting to flag down a cab (but I was 100% serious about getting a few cab numbers for later on -- which I tried to use later to no avail).



And the run goes on...



I missed all the crowds...

I missed the Wellesley girls...

I missed BC and Beacon Street...



Fighting off the pain...



Wishful thinking...





As we approached Commonwealth Ave. - I knew we were down the homestretch. Unfortunately (as my friends would inform me when they were well out of swinging distance after the race), we took a wrong turn at one point because the race had been done for so long that there weren't any markers left to mark the course.

Apparently my little "detour" tacked on another 3/4 of a mile. And at this point, my friends were clearly lying to me about how much longer I had to go. They told me about 2 miles left. In reality, it was 3 and some change.

At the time, it was so devastating. I was absolutely heart-broken.

I knew I couldn't quit at that point but I can't even describe to you in words what I felt at the moment. It was a sense of helplessness.



There were many times during the last 3 miles when I was out on my feet. My body had given out but I just wanted the damn thing to be over.

I'm not ashamed to admit I had tears in my eyes more than once.

It was a battle to be sure.

I took the left onto Boylston Street and could see the "Boston Marathon" banner that signified the finish line. I took off down the sidewalk and darted between the people coming and going from the bars.

The last 20 yards were blocked off so I actually got to run down the middle of the street as I crossed the finish line at 8:30pm.

A cool 9 hours and 40 minutes after I started...





Boston Marathon... check.

I'm pretty sure that by the time I finished, the Kenyans were already back in Africa celebrating.

I'd also like to congratulate the 122-year old guy who passed me around mile 13. I have no idea if he finished but as he passed me -- he took with him any and all self-respect that I may have had.

Everybody was out there for a reason. My story was just one of many. Thank you for letting me share it with you...



Time to rest...



Thank you for your support all along the way. It got me over so many bumps along the way. This has been a life-altering experience in very real terms.

I'm still in recovery mode today but I've got a little surprise for Thursday...

I'll keep you posted.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Rest.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble...

Jacob — Sun, 15 Apr 2007 21:48:01 GMT

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Brown paper bag please...

Thank you.

Tomorrow is going to be something. I'm not sure if it's going to be good or bad yet. But it will be something. And to be honest, I was hoping for the "Storm of the Century" like it was being predicted earlier in the week.

Being Wisconsin-bred, I figured that was my advantage over the competition. My type of weather. Unfortunately, things aren't shaping up to be too bad. I guess that means you won't see me doing any of this tomorrow...



                                (Once again, Thanks Beth!)

But alas, the show must go on.

So I figure I'll get spit on a few times but some irrational elite runners and high-fived by some sane elite runners. I'll take it all in stride and have fun as soon as this whole thing is over.

Being that my confidence has grown so much from what I've accomplished thus far... I figured it was time to let these bad boys go.

WARNING:

The following is illegal is 39 states so please view with extreme caution. Here are two "89 lb. heavier" before pictures from mid-January -- and two from a "more aero-dynamic" warm-blooded mammal.

Observe at the wonders that be...



Haven't turned back yet huh?

Alright, I warned you...



So there you have it.

3 months down...

1 day to go...

For this round.

I can't express how much your words of encouragement have meant to me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I'll update you the first chance I get.

Have a good day tomorrow...

Probably the most underestimated case of "I won't" ever.

And the scale says...

Jacob — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 22:11:00 GMT

349.

Game on.

I'll recap everything tomorrow. And I've got a doozy of a picture for you...

An Open Letter...

Jacob — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 22:41:00 GMT

A letter to all:

I’m sorry if I have offended anyone. I didn’t know that bandits were such a black eye for the race. I didn't know so many people would want to stick a shiv in one of my legs because I wanted to experience the "religious" experience that is the Boston Marathon -- that so many have said is the greatest day of their lives.

I assumed I could run down the road by myself, a long way behind the real runners. Proving something to myself, proving that I could I could do something that seemed so impossible. No matter what happens on Monday, this has been an unbelievable experience for me.

I have made positive changes in my life, I have much more confidence and have regained a lot of my self-esteem. What started out as just a funny way to stay motivated in weight loss has blossomed into motivation for lots of people to change their lives. I am healthier. This is a journey that I would never have been able to do without the inspiration and encouragement that many of you have given me (as well as the motivation I have gotten from the people who have wished me ill will).

I’ve tried all the diets; Atkins, Nutrisystem, high carbs, low carbs, no carbs, they work for a month and then I slip off. I’ve gone to the gym, same thing, lasts for a month, miss awhile, and can’t go back. You keep telling yourself that you’ll start the diet or go on the run next week, the whole time despising yourself for not doing it. It ruins you, how can you have any confidence if you hate yourself?

I was too big. It is not good to be 26 and thinking about the realistic possibility of a heart attack everyday. It puts a cloud over you and your entire life. I had to try something big. Something that would force me to put it all out there so there was no quit. No going back. So I picked what seemed to be the most ridiculous thing at the time.

I publicized, I got the most people to watch it that I could. What better way to keep from giving up?

I haven’t given up and I think I have a pretty good chance to be able run 26.2 miles. But there was no way I would ever try it if I didn’t tell a ridiculous amount of people about first, so that there was no way to back out without looking like an ass. However, there has been a somewhat unintentional offshoot. It has inspired people to want to do the same. Maybe not run a marathon, but lose some weight, start jogging again, or just eat a little better.

I think that we (you and me) really started something special here. With all the negative media attention that obese people get, this goes to show that people can change. I hope that the people who have been inspired will continue to make positive changes in their life, just as I will. This is no longer just about running a marathon and having a good time, it’s about setting goals and achieving them.

Sometimes you can’t accomplish your goals, but then again that’s not always in your control.

            I’m sure a lot of the “elite” runners are smiling, happy to be able to say, “I told you so.” It should give some of those runners’ blogs good fodder.

            But I don’t care; I didn’t do this for them.

            I did this for myself, and obese people everywhere.

            So, only time will tell what happens at the marathon, but regardless of that, the last three months have been a success. Anyways, I guess I’m getting all sentimental now that the race is almost here, but not because I might not be able to run. I know that I will probably finish the marathon.

            I guess if they remove me from the race I’ll find a running track, walking path, dog park, bike trail, ski hill, anywhere with a measured distance and run the race by myself. Any 26.2 miles will do. I just thought it might be a little more convenient to use the same one everyone else was...

Night Terrors...

Jacob — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 22:45:00 GMT

What's that you say?

There's a marathon in 7 days?

I've got an idea... I should run in it.

NOTE TO SELF: Worst Idea Ever!!!!

I'd say I'm averaging about 3 hours of sleep over the last few days. But it's not what you think. I don't spend my nights full of anxiety and wrapped up in the inescapable thoughts of the marathon.

I get all that out of the way by 4 in the afternoon.

I'd call them night terrors but there's still daylight out, so I'm not sure what category they fall into. However, I can tell you that they suck. BAD.

I spend my nights catching up on the work that I missed during the day while engrossed in sheer terror.

BUT IT'S TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW...

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to get much sleep until after the race. So I'm extremely excited to tackle it so I can get some rest.

My weight is holding steady at 356 and I physically feel incredible (as strange as that may seem). I've been training down this week so I have a full gas tank ready to go on Monday.

A lot of yoga this week. Some emotional moments with Savage Henry. Throw in a small run here and there and you've got yourself a deal.

I've been training on an inclined street that I'm told closely resembles "Heartbreak Hill"... and I know I'd have no problem scaling the actual "Heartbreak Hill" if it had the same sandwich shop at the crest as the one I'm training on.

Intense week...

Game on.

I'm Having Rosie O'Donnell Flashbacks...

Jacob — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 21:44:00 GMT

Nothing too fancy today...

Did some yoga.

Rode some bike.

Chewed off all my fingernails stemming from anxiety with the marathon.

And I stumbled across these gems from a few months ago. I really can't believe that was me. It completely feels like I'm a different person now. Pretty wild...

If you're crying right now and you're not sure why...

It's because you shouldn't be looking at these pictures without sunglasses. It's not good for your retinas.

Horrifying, unhealthy - and yet, strangely hypnotic.

Finally, and most importantly, THANK YOU for your encouragement! I definately hit a sticking point not too long ago but a few words in the right places really pushed me to take the next step.

Thank you.

Sneaking Up On You...

Jacob — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 10:39:00 GMT

Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick...

WHOA BABY!

TWO WEEKS TO GO...

I don't think the reality has really set in yet. I have a little anxiety about the race but I'm sure it won't smack me in the face until the opening cannon sounds (or whatever they use to start a marathon).

Cardio won't be an issue. I'm sure of that. The pounding on my joints will be another story.

VIDEOS...

I apologize for the lack of videos lately. Trust me, there's no shortage of ideas but I think some steam slipped through the cracks during hot yoga and it's in the repair shop currently. There will be more...

WEIGHT...

I'm weighing in at 361 glorious pounds. Almost 80 pounds lost so far. It's sort of discouraging when I think there's still another 80 to go but then I think back to the beginning of January - and the night and day differences in my life.

It's ridiculous.

I have a steel chair on my porch and I don't worry about it collapsing anymore.
I have to get some new t-shirts because the old ones are so baggy and hang out so far that I forget how much weight I've lost.
I know if I'm walking down the street and get into a fight with some street ruffians or Chuck Norris - I can easily kick them in the throat with my new-found cat-like relexes and increased flexibility.

This week's plan...

I try to change things up every week because I get bored easily. So the blueprint is to do yoga 4 times this week and "superset" that with 5 runs of 5 to 8 miles per.

I know it's not conventional marathon training but despite my fragile appearance, I'm not exactly the stereotypical marathoner. And I know that comes a shock to you but it's true - I'm not a natural born runner. Or am I? I smell a t-shirt...

In any event, I wanted get a good push in dropping weight this week and then rest up next week.

In the meantime, I'm going to be shopping around for something else after the marathon. I'm going to keep this weight loss going (instead of my previous plan to immediately turn around and try to gain all the weight back). I just need to find an event to shoot for. It's a hell of a lot easier losing weight when you've got something on a concrete date to circle on the calendar.

Oh The Places You'll Go...

Jacob — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 14:44:00 GMT

    I definately burned myself out this week. I went into hibernation and took some time off... as you can see from the lack of activity on the blog lately.

    My fault.

    It was more downs than ups this week so I really just needed to clear my head for this final push coming up.

    But like the Phoenix rising from the proverbial ashes - I'm back! I've been getting slapped in the face with all types of motivational support. I can't believe I've had so many people send their encouragement my way. Literally hundreds of people have taken time out of their schedule to write me over the past week.

    It's insane!

    Thank you from the bottom of my massive heart. You've really left me no choice but to finish the marathon.

    Back on track...

    I'm weighing in somewhere between the mid-360's. And I've started to run a little bit more. I still need to tread lightly with the catastrophic impact on my knees but it's nice to be outside all the same. I'll probably hop back on the bike sometime next week but I need a break.

    Me and Savage Henry had a HUGE falling out. We're just two different entities going in two different directions. It's hard emotionally for both of us. We've been through a lot together... all the tears and tight hamstrings.

    I think I'd like to bronze The Savage One and throw him up on the wall. He deserves no less.

    On a side note...

    Somebody brought this to my attention. And despite the uncanny resemblance... this person has no ties to my family (much to my very real and not sarcastic surprise).



    I can only assume that we are twins and that we were torn apart at birth. He clearly lives in the Canary Islands and lives an extravagant lifestyle as a trial laywer. He lives in a palace and jet-sets around the globe in an orgy of perfection.

    I also believe it's safe to conclude that he's been plotting my very demise. He is the snake to my mongoose. The yin to my yang.

    But that's enough psychotic episodes for one day. I'm going for a run. I'll let you know how it turns out...

Just a Quick Update Today on St. Paddy's...

Jacob — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 22:58:00 GMT

Just a real quick update today becaue my head is killing me and I've been working around the clock the last few days...

I woke up at 3:30 in the morning on St. Paddy's so I could bike for a few hours before I went out and about. I knew I wasn't going to be capable of biking later (or anything else for that matter) so I wanted to burn some calories to start off the day.

Now I've almost entirely cut out booze from my diet... and outside of my trip home, it's been almost 6 weeks since I've even had a beer. This is quite an accomplishment considering it used to be near the top of my food pyramid.

I wanted to enjoy St. Paddy's day for two reasons:

I needed to unwind a little. I've been going so hard for so long, it was just nice to let my hair down so to speak.
I knew that I would feel so terrible later in the day that it would provide another big kick in the a$$ to get moving again.

My hypothesis was correct.

It was pitch black outside when I pounced into the waiting arms of Savage Henry. And along the way, I pulled out a few frosty beverages from the fridge to tide me over. And over the course of the next 2.5 hours, I burned over a 1400 calories (well... really closer to 700 when you factor in the 7 beers I drank while I was pumping away).

I am aware of dehydration issues and all that jazz but it just seemed appropriate at the time. And I'm not going to argue with anything that puts a smile on my face these days.

So I hopped off a little after 6am, showered up, and headed out to the bar...

(This portion of the story intentionally left blank from my mind)

I returned home at about 1pm. I had spent the last 2 hours swaying in the wind like a tree. Fortunately, my yoga skills proved life-saving. Despite my ever-moving top half, my lower body was cemented to the floor like a deep-rooted sequoia.

I know I scared a good many people that day. A man of my stature is a little intimidating when it's floating back and forth by about 60 degrees in every direction.

I then took a nap. Promptly woke up at 3am (14 hours later) and hopped on the scale. I weighed in at 372.

All good.

I hopped on the bike for another hour and went back to bed.

All in all last week: I accumulated 20 hours worth of exercise.

The Truth Is Out...

Jacob — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 23:04:50 GMT

My oh my...

Just when I sat down to my computer and pondered what I was going to write about today, an inspirational message of hope for mankind unveiled itself in the form of an email in my inbox...

It was one of those moments where your eyes well up holding back that single tear from streaming down your face (like the Indian in the littering commercial from so many years back). It was like being stranded on an island all alone for years... only to have a message show up in one of those coke bottles that came in with the tide...

I took a deep breath and said to myself, "You know what Jacob, you fat miserable excuse for a human being, mankind IS going to make it. The future IS going to be alright."

Message of hope in a bottle, you ask?

I say nay...

Instead, I prefer to call it the single greatest moment of achievement in the history of mankind. Greater than electricity. Greater than Penicillin. Greater than that little wind-up monkey toy that claps its hands together with symbols.

If we were in Ancient Greece, then one would assume this was a message came directly from Mighty Zeus Himself. This is not the work of a pathetic mortal like myself.

Bask in the glory that is total enlightenment (you may need some sunglasses or a welding mask to avoid your retinas burning from admiring the sheer glory that is this email I received)...

And I quoteth from thy gospel...

"Why is "Jacob" lying to everyone about "qualifying and running" the 2007 Boston Marathon? The field of 23,411 runners is now closed, they're not accepting any more applications and there's no "Jacob Seilheimer" on the list. Clearly, he didn't qualify by running another 26.2 mile marathon in the 3 hour, 10 minute time standard for a man his age. He didn't even qualify by raising money in the Boston Marathon Charity Runners program (none of "Jacob's" charities or the company he's using that skims a chunk out of every donation are even part of the Charity Runner program).

If "Jacob" was just seeking attention by trading on obesity cliche's and the Boston Marathon's prestige, he'd be dismissable. But soliciting money for a marathon he has no legitemate way of participating in is really ugly.

There's no harm in checking back with "Jacob" a time or two to see how far he takes this farce. But if you want to donate money, go to the official Boston Marathon website (the Boston Athletic Association) where all of your donation can be made in the name of runners (some of whom have overcome tremendous handicaps that aren't self-inflicted) who'll actually run the race."

Author: One of 23,411
IP Address: 71.110.248.38
Email Address: imagonna_471@email2me.net

Nice try mom. Like I wouldn't know your email address. Oh YOU...

Whoa is me! The jig is up! Oh whoa is me! This person's crack detective work has spoiled my scam (cough, cough).

While I'm at it, I might as well come clean about the other scams I've been running...

That whole Nigerian email thing where I'm the general of an army and if you send me $6 and a lollipop, I'll send you $14 million dollars (I swear) -- MINE.

When Kathy Lee Gifford got nailed for having underage kids knit soccerballs in sweatshops for her a few years ago -- MINE.

Anna Nicole's Baby -- MINE.

(A BIG thank you to Beth for these paparazzi pics)

Putting razor blades in children's candy on Halloween - MINE.

I'm also responsible for El Nino, Global Warming, Jennifer Lopez's career, the E Coli debacle at Taco Bell, the ongoing steriod scandal in baseball and oh yeah... I killed the Dinosaurs.

You see my fat beekeeping profits aren't enough to satisfy my greed...

I need more.

And while I'm at it... my name isn't really "Jacob" (as this genius pointed out). It is Meeso Howny. I'm really a 5 ft. 2 in. Asian woman who runs a full-service massage parlor in Miami Beach. What can I say, I'm good with my hands

I guess I just go so bored running all these scams and single-handedly destroying the ozone layer that I went to a plastic surgeon and grafted the carcas of a 400-pound man to my body and came up with this elaborate scheme.

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS...

I hope you guys are starting to see the type of absolute bullsh*t that I deal with on a daily basis. This isn't boo hoo me. Personally I don't care. I don't even notice it anymore. And some assclown with frosted tips that spends 4 hours in the gym doing bicep curls and stairing at himself in the mirror - hoping that his skin tight t-shirt will compensate for the lack of substance down there - is certainly not going to phase me.

I mean you really just have to laugh at these people.

So just in case you're wondering after my little sarcastic rant (or if this is your first time reading my dark and twisted thoughts). Yes my name is Jacob. Yes I'm this heavy. Yes I'm a beekeeper, blah blah blah.

And as Dick Tracy discovered... I'm not an "official" runner. I'm running in the back of the pack with the rest of my Banditos.

Had this person done a little more detective work... he or she would have discovered that there are a few thousand "Bandits" who never qualify - and start in the back of the pack anyways. They run it every year. They all have their own reasons for running it.

And to personally address this person (if he or she is reading which they aren't because they're too busy cheating on their boyfriend or girlfriend or a little of both)...

Could I have qualified time-wise for the marathon? Never.

Could I have received a charity exemption to run in the race? Absolutely.

Did I? Absolutely not.

And you wanna know why... because I didn't want to take away from those who are overcoming MAJOR obstacles in their life (i.e. a blind person running with a rope attached to their running guide).

I'm just fat. You don't see me trying to pull the emotional "boo hoo, look what society made me do" card. Do you see me suing Fast Food chains??

Although I'm sure you've never had to work a day in your life and have had everything handed to you on a silver platter... I'm sure you have no problem playing any card you can any time you can.

Do the rest of humanity a favor and don't get hit by a bus. Mankind will need your insight as we forge into the future. AND PLEASE OH PLEASE make sure to breed as often as possible. It is your children that will someday run this world.

And we'll need people like yourself to step on cockroaches like myself.

(insert the god of your respective religion here) is proud of you.

And now that I've gotten on my soapbox (and had it crush under my weight)...

I biked for an hour this morning when I got up.

Went to work.

Biked for two hours went I got home.

Went to hot yoga for 90 minutes (although I mastered my "playing dead" pose for the last 15 minutes of class).

Came home and biked for another hour.

Total for the day: 5.5 hours of exercise. One d-bag immortalized.

Book it.

I hope to see you Marathon Monday...

Teacher Says I'm Special...

Jacob — Tue, 13 Mar 2007 12:07:00 GMT

So after a looooooong weekend which included a trip to Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut and a fish sandwich late-night from Mickey D's...

I hit Savage Henry up for a cool 2 hours when I got back from the roadtrip at 5:30 in the morning.

If you ever told me I would be capable of doing something like that (even two months ago) I probably would have laughed in your face.

I've picked up my training this week as we are getting closer to doomsday. I'm trying to put in 4 hours of exercise each day this week. Next week I'll bump it up to 5. The week after up to 6 and then I'll begin to train down... which includes a couch and a remote control.

Yesterday I hit the bike for an hour and half when I woke up before I went off to do whatever it is that I do. I took a long lunch and went to a private session of spicy hhhhhhhhhot yoga.

This is me mentally preparing for battle (I'm pretty sure I was thinking about one of those circus bears riding around on a bicycle in a Chinese Zoo because there's NO WAY I would ever smile at the thought of exercise)...

My instructor is a licensed psychopath. She has no fear. Despite her feeble size in comparison to me... she insists on belittling me and pushing me past my comfort zones. Pure evil incarnate I say. But in all seriousness, it and she kicks my ass and I love it.

I'm not sure what the official name is for a yoga instructor so I shall refer to her as Sensei.

I've been doing private lessons so as not to alarm the villagers when I work out. I'm beginning to see a direct correlation between yoga and male modeling (both of which I have extensive experience with).

Sensei says this is my best pose...

...I'd have to agree. I don't think you fully comprehend the effort that goes into "playing dead".

I find that after I do yoga for 90 minutes inside a giant oven my thoughts tend to shifts towards chasing butterflies in a field of daisies rather than self-loathing and destruction.

Here are some other frightening poses from my showcase posedown...

I got tricked into doing the one above. Apparently you don't really need "a little help" from your "friends". Whatever, it's not all gold.

So after my date with Satan, I went back to the welcoming arms of Savage Henry and rode for another hour.

Total for the day: 4 hours

Confidence Comes From the Strangest Places...

Jacob — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 12:29:56 GMT

Oh what a week it was.

I'll spare you the details of my trip home but I'd say my drinking to working out ratio was somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 to 1/2.

However, the big difference was that I kept my eating in check (which is why I assume I didn't throw on 35 pounds). My goal for this week is to dip my toes in the inviting waters that are the 370's. It should happen because I was on the bike yesterday for 3 hours and burned more than 1500 calories.

I thought I'd pass along the moment when I knew I could do this. I mean actually run the marathon...

Very early in the game here, I went down to visit one of my buddies in Somerville, MA. I was all of 438 lbs. and probably a lot more at the time. I showed up unannounced at his apartment... and of course... he wasn't there. He had already left for the bar with a couple of friends.

Strike 1.

And seeing how the bar was about 1/4 mile away, I figured I'd walk because I didn't want to drive in the condition I'd be in later. I was feeling frisky so I decided to hoof it instead of calling a taxi.

Fast forward to the end of the night (and taking into account my legendary sense of direction), I ended up walking 8 miles to cover the distance from the bar and back. I've constructed a rough mapping of my route...

It was one of those deals where everything looked familiar so "I'll just keep going this way because I'm sure it's just up ahead". Brilliant move on my part. And by brilliant I mean one of the most awful things I've ever experienced.

As you can see, the blue traces my route to the bar and the yellow, the route from the bar.

I want to point a few key landmarks that I used as a point of reference.

1) After realizing I had already walked more than 4 times the distance to what the bar should've been, I decided to ask the homeless guy with the shopping cart where the hell I was. After deciphering a language that I assume was ancient Aramaic. I promptly thanked him, gave him some change and continued on my way.

2) It was here that I remembered that I don't speak Aramaic and concluded I probably shouldn't have listened to a homeless guy with an eye-patch (lesson learned). I debate whether I should go back and get my change from the guy for giving me false information... but the allure of a few beers calls my name and I keep pressing on.

3) Arrive at the bar only to have the bouncer claim that my Wisconsin ID is clearly a fake and begins to pull the lamination off... To which I tell him to F Off, grab my ID, and shove him into the wall. Needless to say, I don't get into the bar.

4) Now I'm growing angrier by the second. Convinced that I have my bearings, I decide to cut my losses and head back to the apartment to grab a few drinks there. Refusing to go back the way I came, I head in the opposite direction.

5) Once again realizing that I'm off course and throwing my hands up in defeat... a hatchback pulls up to the street corner with 6 dudes in the car. They roll down the tinted windows and a cloud of smoke pours out. They turn down the bass so that they're miserable excuse for speakers don't rattle around anymore. They ask me for drugs. I ask them for a ride. We can't help each other. We continue on our respective missions. God speed honda civic. God speed.

6) It is hear, several hours of walking later, that I stop off on a park bench for a few minutes. But something amazing catches my eye. It here that 2 coke-whores dressed in 80's attire are trying to leave the parking lot of a dunkin donuts. They both walk around there car, size up the space they have available, and play rock-paper-scissors to see who is going to drive.

So the 1st coke-whore tries to back out and stops the car 4 or 5 times every 4 or 5 inches (as if she was learning to drive a standard shift for the first time). She slowly but surely back her car into a street sign. The brake lights go on and the two girls pull a chinese fire drill. Now that the other girl has her chance to shine...

She pulls forward back into the parking space, drives over the cement parking block and over the curb that their car had no business driving over. SUCCESS! They drive off into the sunset to do whatever coke-whores. It is then that I gain a newfound appreciation for how resourceful coke-whores are. After this 5-minute escapade, I continue on my way.

7) It is here that I begin looking for a bush to sleep in. I have no phone on me. It's so late that they're isn't anybody on the street anymore. And clearly nobody is going to stop their car for a man my size in the middle of the night. The gremlins in my head tell me to call it a life. My body keeps going.

8) It is not more than a couple hundred yards down the street that I find salvation. Just when I'm at my lowest, a car full of girls comes drilling down the street and 2 of them moon me. I'm immediately revived and feel like I can climb Mt. Everest (or at least fake myself into thinking I can be productive).

9) I arrive back at the apartment several hours after I left. The door is still locked. I vow never to return to Somerville.

It was the next day that I went back to mapquest.com and retraced my route. It was such an insanely horrible experience. But I did come away with the confidence that I could actually run the Boston Marathon.

Slow Week...

Jacob — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 17:52:00 GMT

Sorry for the lack of communication this week. The magical box that sends my thoughts to this site has not been working. I live in a town of roughly 500 hard-asses. And to give you an idea of the location...

If you were to hold up your hand and pretend it was Wisconsin, I live right about where that line curves around your thumb muscle.

By the way, I have no idea who's sorry excuse for a paw this is. I pulled it off the web and they clearly wouldn't survive hunting for themself in the wild.

Anywho... we've been getting pimpslapped with snowstorm after snowstorm after snowstorm. I've attempted to hit the road a few times to go run but it is suspect at best.

I'd love to do more of it as there feels like an extra foot or so of snow padding underneath my feet -- but the very real threat of tearing my acl is not what I'm looking for right now.

So this a real slow week for me. I'm trying to keep my eating in check so I don't balloon up like the last time I took a few days off. It's just tough right now because I'm not burning the calories I'd like to. I know... WAH! WAH!

So this week, I'm just enjoying some time off at home to recoup and mentally preparing myself for next week. I'm going to make the 26 hour trek back in a few days and then start cranking out some serious mileage again.

Dope's for Dopes...

Jacob — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 18:41:00 GMT

Since it has been a few days since my last post, I figured I'd catch you up to speed...

I've been living in New Hampshire for awhile (taking a break from Wisconsin) but finally decided to make the trek home for a few days.

Now I'm more prone to driving because I'm not a big fan of the seats on airplanes (shocker I know) nor the watchful eye of airport security. For some reason, they also take a liking to me.

...And by "liking" I mean some dude always pulls me aside and pats down my privates to the point where I feel vulnerable inside. They question me so much, I begin to doubt what I really have been doing or not doing for that matter.

So long dumb story short... when I need to go home, I take the open road.

HOWEVER...

I had taken my jeep down to pick up somebody at the airport back in December. While I was driving in the snowstorm, I heard a huge "THUD!" and it felt like my engine dropped a few feet. I slowly came to a standstill on the breakdown lane of the highway and had the thing towed off into the sunset.

I just assumed I needed a new engine and threw up my arms in defeat. I don't have the type of cash to get a new engine.

So over the last 2 months, I've probably accumulated $500 worth of bills based on public transportation, towing costs, etc...

But I needed to head home so I finally got the jeep re-towed to a new garage where they could fix it. Sure enough, the total price tag was a cool $112.37.

I'm a dope.

No new engine. Nothing wrong other than a small tweak on a small part. Dope.

So I got it fixed and headed off to Wisconsin.

It takes me about 26 or 27 hours to drive there. It hasn't been ever been an issue before. However, with all this new found energy I have from working out and losing weight -- I find that I can't sit still for that long. I think my brain absorbs all the energy from my body not moving and converts it into horrible horrible thoughts in my mind.

BACK ON TRACK...

So after a few days of heavy re-acquaintance drinking, I hit the snow-packed ground for a little snowshoeing and cross-country skiing. The skiis looked like matchsticks on my frame but I pressed through all the same. I make sure to wear plenty of orange when I go out because this is neither the time nor place to be mistaken for a bear lumbering around in the woods.

I'll get back to the updates more frequently very soon. The internet reception is a little shady in places so I'll do my best...

I Can See The Bacon and It Smells GLORIOUS!!!

Jacob — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 15:29:54 GMT

388.

I don't remember the last time I weighed 388 pounds. Probably because most of my weight loss has been from my brain. It's pretty wild...

Some people have been asking me how I'm losing the weight so fast. The answer is simple:

1) Dollups of wet cat food.

2) Freeze-Dried Astronaut Food.

3) Those giant body-shaking straps that you throw around your belly from the 1950's.

Now that you just cringed from the image in your mind, I'll let you know that I stumbled upon a crazy little secret to losing weight...

Burning more calories than I consume.

I feel a little weird even writing that. That particular concept has evaded me my entire life up until now. It's amazing what somebody will do when they're pushed to the brink of depression. I feel like it's night and day... from even a month ago.

I can wear jackets that I haven't worn in years. I can bend over and touch my toes. And some of my friends have even accused me of "being happy" most of the time. STRAAAAAAANGE.

And outside of my celebration weekend a few weeks ago, I don't remember the last time I had more than 2,000 calories in a day. My meals are very organized and I'm devouring a lot of fruit. I'm not so much of a carnivore lately as I am a leaf-eater. Although I will always have a place in my heart for broiled chicken and fresh fish...

I wanted to go all-natural in the weight loss because I don't think any outside stimulants would benefit my heart... especially with the whole Anna Nicole-Smith thing (not that I'm implying anything for legal reasons -- although it's not like I have any physical possessions to lose in a lawsuit anyways).

I'm finding that breaking through my comfort zone has been the greatest thing I've done in some time.

Although it is clear that I need new friends...

These bastards have decided to track my every move and try to sabotage my efforts with various foods. Last week it was pudding. Pudding was everywhere. They left bowls of it near Savage Henry. They put it in the dog dish. In the bowl of keys. Near my pet snake Monty...

This week the soup de jour is bacon. Now these knuckleheads have thrown raw bacon on my pillow as part of their "turn down service". They've also wrapped up all my fruit in bacon strips. There is bacon taped to the walls near all the light switches. And don't forget bacon flavored bandages...

Quite ingenious really.

And of course, every time we go out somewhere, somebody feels the obligation to get a nice and greasy steak and cheese and proclaim, "OH BOY! THIS STEAK AND CHEESE SURE IS DELICIOUS... I WISH I HAD SOMEBODY TO SHARE IT WITH! OH WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS ORGASMIC STEAK AND CHEESE ALONE ON THE TABLE WHILE I TURN MY BACK AND FOCUS MY ATTENTION ELSEWHERE!!!"

Bastards.

I'm considering holding open-tryouts for new friends.

I guess what they don't realize is that there really isn't the same sexual tension between me and those greasy foods like there was before. Every once in a while, I'll splurge and have something greasy like fries or a burger... and that's when I slip into grease-induced shock. This whole exercise thing has purged my body and so it slips into the DT's when I try to force it down.

The mind is willing but the body isn't able.

I'm trying to re-condition myself to leave that food behind. My body obviously isn't responding well to it anymore. I'll just go back to old reliable, my trusty salt-lick.

Don't get me wrong...

I still love going out and drinking a few beers while chewing on some steak-related products. But I don't need to wash it down with 35 or 40 beers like I used to.

If you've dropped a note already, thank you. I'm going to reply to you but please be patient and give me some time. I've gotten tens of thousands of emails in the last few weeks so I've got some work to do. If you don't hear back from me, it's because I don't like you (or most likely because your email wasn't attached for some reason -- as the user submitted form doesn't let me know where it came from).

The Fluid in My Knee Goes Round and Round...

Jacob — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 13:36:17 GMT

Once again, thank you for taking time out of your life to send support and best wishes my way. It really is amazing!

Things have really started to pick up training-wise. I'm down to 393 human pounds and kept on pace this weekend. This is a big lesson learned for me because I took the weekend "off" from training two weeks ago and just celebrated the weight loss to date...

...MISTAKE.

I guess I had a few too many beers and a few too many calories because I threw back on close to 20 pounds in 3 days. And I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure that's not incredible for your heart. But then again, I'm not a doctor...

So anywhoooo, I only had a few beers this weekend and felt like I didn't skip a beat. It's a great feeling not having to spend the entire week playing catch up.

I can tell you what isn't a good feeling -- the swelling in my knee. It looks like a grapefuit today. I went for a big run yesterday ( 9 miles) and then dominated Savage Henry for another hour and fifteen minutes.

As much as I hate running, I do appreciate the crazy homeless people that get VERY angry when I run by them. I don't know if it is energy I'm giving off or if they can sense fear like animals -- but one thing is for sure, they don't like me.

And trust me, this is not some illusion I've constructed in my head.

I even got a scene straight from the movies. I ran by this old woman while she was trying to light her cigarette. She had her head tilted down and it was a little windy so she wasn't having much luck. All of sudden she looked up as I lumbered by and her jaw dropped (only the unlit cigarette was stuck to her bottom lip). It was priceless.

Here are some pics of my run yesterday...

I'm pretty sure the patella tendon on my left knee is messed up bad. It clicks every time I run. I'm guessing that I probably have about 15 stress fractures so far and 4 compound fractures... but again, I'm not a doctor.

I read a study that said about 95% of your thoughts are EXACTLY the same as the day before. So I'm trying to make a conscious effort into what I think about. It makes sense because my thoughts are definately shifting from Random Acts of Violence to less-frequent acts of violence (against myself).

I've also stopped focusing on my weight. If "My Super Sweet 16" and shows about Beauty Pageant Moms have taught me nothing else in life, it is that being obsessed about your weight is not healthy. I make sure that stepping on my scale no longer happens 33 times a day. I'm averaging about once a week right now.

FINALLY...

The T-Shirts for charity should be up by the end of the week but I'm still searching far and wide for new ideas about raising money for charity.

I'm thinking about putting up an online pledge sheet... to chip in maybe like a dollar a mile with some sort of incentive. I'm not really sure what yet.

If you have any ideas or know of something that worked for somebody in the past, please let me know.

NOT DEAD YET,
Jacob

Death Threat Of The Week...

Jacob — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:33:00 GMT

Thank you to everybody who has taken the time out of their busy schedules and drop me a note of encouragement! Words can't express my appreciation. Any time I'm lacking motivation, it provides a real boost.

On the other side of the coin, I probably get about 2 dozens email from people who definately didn't play under power lines when they were kids telling me that I HAVE NO CHANCE OF WINNING THE MARATHON!!!!!!!

The following is one of my favorites to date...

As a runner who tries to encourage as many people to run as possible, I applaud your efforts to attempt to complete a marathon. Also, raising money for charities through your endeavors is a noble cause. However, I wish that you had chosen another marathon. To dedicated runners, Boston represents a sacred goal. Many of my fellow runners and I log an incredible number of miles each week in the hopes of being able to qualify for Boston. I'm sure that you have received an exception to run because of your fundraising efforts.

In my opinion, this is why you don't belong. Anyone who runs Boston should earn it. Your participation in the marathon diminishes the experience for everyone involved.

Why set my alarm for 4:30 or 5:00 each morning to train if I can slide into Boston by a publicity stunt--albeit an altruistic one? When I finally do qualify for Boston, I want to line up with elite athletes who have proven their dedication through years of training and thousands of miles. It is nothing against you personally, but you are the guy who cuts in line to the detriment of everyone behind you. I would have much more respect for you if you chose another marathon. Run New York, run Chicago, run Los Angeles. All of those are open to all ability levels. Boston should be reserved for top athletes, which is not you. It also is not me at this point, but my hope is that some day it will be.

Best regards,

John Toth
Palmdale, CA

P.S. I definately do have a lot friends who don't think I suck at life (OKAY I ADMIT I ADDED THAT LINE

So after a few weeks and between 120-150 emails from experts weighing in with their analysis (most of which I suspect is coming from my mother)...

I finally did some research on the Marathon and it appears that these people are correct. I cannot win the Boston Marathon. This has been a crushing blow to my psyche. All this time, I was under the impression that the 14-minute miles I was logging were the type of elite performance that was needed to secure victory over my arch-nemisis "Kenyan Steve".

So it is clear that I cannot avenge my loss in last year's marathon...

So after a long day of curling up next to the tv set watching a marathon of Reece Witherspoon movies, eating tubs of rocky road ice cream with tears in my eyes and curlers in my hair...

...I've decided to continue my efforts despite the fact that I won't win.

I know. I know. I probably should just listen to these people and help their cause. I could then show up on Marathon Monday with a pair of scissors and cut the rope that binds the blind people that run the race with their guides. I could also shove sticks in the spokes of all the wheelchair athletes.

Then and only then, true marathoners like John Toth from Palmdale, CA could run in tranquility and wouldn't have to contend with sideshow freaks like myself.

You go John Toth from Palmdale, CA. Go for the Gold and definately don't get hit by a bus in the process.

I definately didn't grow up putting in 16-hour days of beekeeping 6 and sometimes 7 days a week. I definately don't get up at 5 in the am (after all I'm fat remember and fat people don't get up that early) to go run outside in sub-0 temperatures.

I guess I've been so busy welching off of society that I forgot how much dedication I lack and how much I suck at life. Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you for reminding me.

OH AND JUST TO BE CLEAR...

A few more miles logged. Bank it.

See ya Marathon Monday John.