My oh my...

Just when I sat down to my computer and pondered what I was going to write about today, an inspirational message of hope for mankind unveiled itself in the form of an email in my inbox...

It was one of those moments where your eyes well up holding back that single tear from streaming down your face (like the Indian in the littering commercial from so many years back).  It was like being stranded on an island all alone for years... only to have a message show up in one of those coke bottles that came in with the tide...

I took a deep breath and said to myself, "You know what Jacob, you fat miserable excuse for a human being, mankind IS going to make it.  The future IS going to be alright."

Message of hope in a bottle, you ask? 

I say nay...

Instead, I prefer to call it the single greatest moment of achievement in the history of mankind.  Greater than electricity.  Greater than Penicillin.  Greater than that little wind-up monkey toy that claps its hands together with symbols.

If we were in Ancient Greece, then one would assume this was a message came directly from Mighty Zeus Himself.  This is not the work of a pathetic mortal like myself.

Bask in the glory that is total enlightenment (you may need some sunglasses or a welding mask to avoid your retinas burning from admiring the sheer glory that is this email I received)...

And I quoteth from thy gospel...

"Why is "Jacob" lying to everyone about "qualifying and running" the 2007 Boston Marathon? The field of 23,411 runners is now closed, they're not accepting any more applications and there's no "Jacob Seilheimer" on the list. Clearly, he didn't qualify by running another 26.2 mile marathon in the 3 hour, 10 minute time standard for a man his age. He didn't even qualify by raising money in the Boston Marathon Charity Runners program (none of "Jacob's" charities or the company he's using that skims a chunk out of every donation are even part of the Charity Runner program).

If "Jacob" was just seeking attention by trading on obesity cliche's and the Boston Marathon's prestige, he'd be dismissable. But soliciting money for a marathon he has no legitemate way of participating in is really ugly.

There's no harm in checking back with "Jacob" a time or two to see how far he takes this farce. But if you want to donate money, go to the official Boston Marathon website (the Boston Athletic Association) where all of your donation can be made in the name of runners (some of whom have overcome tremendous handicaps that aren't self-inflicted) who'll actually run the race."

Author: One of 23,411
IP Address: 71.110.248.38
Email Address: imagonna_471@email2me.net

Nice try mom.  Like I wouldn't know your email address.  Oh YOU...



Whoa is me!  The jig is up!  Oh whoa is me!  This person's crack detective work has spoiled my scam (cough, cough).

While I'm at it, I might as well come clean about the other scams I've been running... 

• That whole Nigerian email thing where I'm the general of an army and if you send me $6 and a lollipop, I'll send you $14 million dollars (I swear) -- MINE.

• When Kathy Lee Gifford got nailed for having underage kids knit soccerballs in sweatshops for her a few years ago -- MINE.

• Anna Nicole's Baby -- MINE.

    

       (A BIG thank you to Beth for these paparazzi pics)

• Putting razor blades in children's candy on Halloween - MINE.

• I'm also responsible for El Nino, Global Warming, Jennifer Lopez's career, the E Coli debacle at Taco Bell, the ongoing steriod scandal in baseball and oh yeah... I killed the Dinosaurs.
  

You see my fat beekeeping profits aren't enough to satisfy my greed...

I need more.

And while I'm at it... my name isn't really "Jacob" (as this genius pointed out).  It is Meeso Howny.  I'm really a 5 ft. 2 in. Asian woman who runs a full-service massage parlor in Miami Beach.  What can I say, I'm good with my hands

I guess I just go so bored running all these scams and single-handedly destroying the ozone layer that I went to a plastic surgeon and grafted the carcas of a 400-pound man to my body and came up with this elaborate scheme.


IN ALL SERIOUSNESS...

I hope you guys are starting to see the type of absolute bullsh*t that I deal with on a daily basis.  This isn't boo hoo me.  Personally I don't care.  I don't even notice it anymore.  And some assclown with frosted tips that spends 4 hours in the gym doing bicep curls and stairing at himself in the mirror - hoping that his skin tight t-shirt will compensate for the lack of substance down there - is certainly not going to phase me.

I mean you really just have to laugh at these people.

So just in case you're wondering after my little sarcastic rant (or if this is your first time reading my dark and twisted thoughts).  Yes my name is Jacob.  Yes I'm this heavy.  Yes I'm a beekeeper, blah blah blah.

And as Dick Tracy discovered... I'm not an "official" runner.  I'm running in the back of the pack with the rest of my Banditos.

Had this person done a little more detective work... he or she would have discovered that there are a few thousand "Bandits" who never qualify - and start in the back of the pack anyways.  They run it every year.  They all have their own reasons for running it.

And to personally address this person (if he or she is reading which they aren't because they're too busy cheating on their boyfriend or girlfriend or a little of both)...

Could I have qualified time-wise for the marathon?  Never.

Could I have received a charity exemption to run in the race?  Absolutely.

Did I?  Absolutely not.

And you wanna know why... because I didn't want to take away from those who are overcoming MAJOR obstacles in their life (i.e. a blind person running with a rope attached to their running guide).

I'm just fat.  You don't see me trying to pull the emotional "boo hoo, look what society made me do" card.  Do you see me suing Fast Food chains??

Although I'm sure you've never had to work a day in your life and have had everything handed to you on a silver platter... I'm sure you have no problem playing any card you can any time you can.

Do the rest of humanity a favor and don't get hit by a bus.  Mankind will need your insight as we forge into the future.  AND PLEASE OH PLEASE make sure to breed as often as possible.  It is your children that will someday run this world.

And we'll need people like yourself to step on cockroaches like myself.

(insert the god of your respective religion here) is proud of you.



And now that I've gotten on my soapbox (and had it crush under my weight)...


I biked for an hour this morning when I got up.

Went to work.

Biked for two hours went I got home.

Went to hot yoga for 90 minutes (although I mastered my "playing dead" pose for the last 15 minutes of class).

Came home and biked for another hour.


Total for the day:  5.5 hours of exercise.  One d-bag immortalized.

Book it.

I hope to see you Marathon Monday...

 

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