This entry was posted on 2/21/2007 8:19 PM and is filed under uncategorized.
388.
I don't remember the last time I weighed 388 pounds. Probably because most of my weight loss has been from my brain. It's pretty wild...
Some people have been asking me how I'm losing the weight so fast. The answer is simple:
1) Dollups of wet cat food.
2) Freeze-Dried Astronaut Food.
3) Those giant body-shaking straps that you throw around your belly from the 1950's.
Now that you just cringed from the image in your mind, I'll let you know that I stumbled upon a crazy little secret to losing weight...
Burning more calories than I consume.
I feel a little weird even writing that. That particular concept has evaded me my entire life up until now. It's amazing what somebody will do when they're pushed to the brink of depression. I feel like it's night and day... from even a month ago.
I can wear jackets that I haven't worn in years. I can bend over and touch my toes. And some of my friends have even accused me of "being happy" most of the time. STRAAAAAAANGE.
And outside of my celebration weekend a few weeks ago, I don't remember the last time I had more than 2,000 calories in a day. My meals are very organized and I'm devouring a lot of fruit. I'm not so much of a carnivore lately as I am a leaf-eater. Although I will always have a place in my heart for broiled chicken and fresh fish...
I wanted to go all-natural in the weight loss because I don't think any outside stimulants would benefit my heart... especially with the whole Anna Nicole-Smith thing (not that I'm implying anything for legal reasons -- although it's not like I have any physical possessions to lose in a lawsuit anyways).
I'm finding that breaking through my comfort zone has been the greatest thing I've done in some time.
Although it is clear that I need new friends...
These bastards have decided to track my every move and try to sabotage my efforts with various foods. Last week it was pudding. Pudding was everywhere. They left bowls of it near Savage Henry. They put it in the dog dish. In the bowl of keys. Near my pet snake Monty...
This week the soup de jour is bacon. Now these knuckleheads have thrown raw bacon on my pillow as part of their "turn down service". They've also wrapped up all my fruit in bacon strips. There is bacon taped to the walls near all the light switches. And don't forget bacon flavored bandages...
Quite ingenious really.
And of course, every time we go out somewhere, somebody feels the obligation to get a nice and greasy steak and cheese and proclaim, "OH BOY! THIS STEAK AND CHEESE SURE IS DELICIOUS... I WISH I HAD SOMEBODY TO SHARE IT WITH! OH WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST LEAVE THIS ORGASMIC STEAK AND CHEESE ALONE ON THE TABLE WHILE I TURN MY BACK AND FOCUS MY ATTENTION ELSEWHERE!!!"
Bastards.
I'm considering holding open-tryouts for new friends.
I guess what they don't realize is that there really isn't the same sexual tension between me and those greasy foods like there was before. Every once in a while, I'll splurge and have something greasy like fries or a burger... and that's when I slip into grease-induced shock. This whole exercise thing has purged my body and so it slips into the DT's when I try to force it down.
The mind is willing but the body isn't able. I'm trying to re-condition myself to leave that food behind. My body obviously isn't responding well to it anymore. I'll just go back to old reliable, my trusty salt-lick.
Don't get me wrong...
I still love going out and drinking a few beers while chewing on some steak-related products. But I don't need to wash it down with 35 or 40 beers like I used to.
If you've dropped a note already, thank you. I'm going to reply to you but please be patient and give me some time. I've gotten tens of thousands of emails in the last few weeks so I've got some work to do. If you don't hear back from me, it's because I don't like you (or most likely because your email wasn't attached for some reason -- as the user submitted form doesn't let me know where it came from).
